I AM prepping dinner in the kitchen when James comes in wearing his flat cap and carrying his jacket.
And I must have raised an enquiring eyebrow, because before I can ask him what he is up to, he tells me he is “off to play golf”.
It is 25 years since James last played a round, so this comes as a surprise, but I ask him why he is wearing his cap indoors.
“Because caps are what people wear when they play golf,” he replies with weary but impeccable logic...
Fortunately the rain is lashing down outside, so we go to the front door and agree that perhaps it would be wiser to wait until tomorrow.
But even as I shut the door, relieved this has not provoked an argument, my heart sinks because it is the second time in a week James has attempted to escape.
A few days ago, as I was pouring afternoon tea, he suddenly stood up, consulted his large-scale clock and announced, like the March Hare with his pocket watch, that it was late and he “really must be off...”
And then he headed for the front door with a steadiness and turn of speed surprising in a man who thus far all day had been decidedly wobbly.
I confess I was intrigued as to what he would do next - James will seldom leave the house willingly even with me, and has certainly not ventured out alone in more than two years, so I could not believe he would actually cross the threshold.
“But where are you going?” I asked as he turned the lock on the front door.
“I’m going home...” he said firmly.
And stepped outside...
I wasn’t surprised at this development.
I was astonished...and I slipped into the dining room to look out at what he would do next.
“He’ll never go past the car,” I told myself, waiting for James to turn on his heel and come back indoors.
But like a whippet out of a trap, James was suddenly off - past the car, past the dustbins - normally the very outer limit of his domestic explorations - and was chasing his invisible rabbit down the drive.
I ran barefoot back into the hall, scrabbled for some shoes and the keys, and ran after him, but he was already at the end of our long drive and heading off to some Blue Remembered Hills...
...when a friend rounded the corner, realised Steve McQueen was trying to get over the wire, and rounded him up just as I came puffing up behind.
With an escort on each arm, James agreed he would come back indoors for a cup of tea after all - but the incident confirmed my suspicions he can now no longer be trusted Home Alone even for short periods.
Either he will go out, leaving the front door open, wander off and get lost...like two other confused old men for whom the police helicopter was up searching only a week ago.
Or he will step outside, close the door and be unable to get back indoors even if he realises his mistake.
And even when I am here I can scarcely turn my back on him: the glass of ‘red wine’ he poured himself yesterday, which was of a suspiciously scarlet hue, turned out to be undiluted strawberry syrup.
Both tooth-rottingly sweet and potentially disastrous as part of his pre-diabetic diet, it was chased down by half-a-carton of double cream he had found in the fridge and mistaken for yoghurt.
Nor will he leave things alone - he fiddles with the central heating, the oven and even poor Alexa who regularly gets switched off at the wall.
Although to be fair she sometimes deserves it...
But at least he didn’t fall over on the shards of the pint glass he dropped and smashed all over the kitchen floor...
I have not been out, except to medical appointments, since December, telling myself “I can do one more week. I can do one more week...”
But I am exhausted and demoralised from lack of sleep, and it is increasingly apparent that even when I am here 24/7 I can no longer keep James safe...
...or myself sane.
I think the escapology was the last, final, impossible straw for me. That and the lack of sleep. I’d like to make every politician have to spend just One Day as a dementia carer. All my best wishes to you. It is indeed a grim road xx
Oh bless you, mine is horrendous at twiddling with things, they are either on or off but not what they should be. The heating mainly and if I'm not quick enough the heating goes up enough to blow the national grid and grow exotic plants x